arianne_maya: (brian tommy backstage)
arianne_maya ([personal profile] arianne_maya) wrote in [community profile] glam_100 on June 1st, 2013 at 02:51 pm
Prompt #016: Midnight Secrets
Title: Choosing His Path
Pairing/Characters: Brian/Tommy
Rating (Word Count): PG-13 (15 X 100)
Content(s)/Warning(s): D/s
Author's notes: Many thanks to @leela_cat for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.

This continues from last week drabble-set, Introspection.

“Are you still awake enough for us to talk?”

Brian hides an amused smile. It’s so late in the evening that he’s started dozing off and he has a feeling that Tommy’s doing this on purpose. They spent part of the afternoon jamming and figuring out that writing songs together could actually work. They shared dinner and retreated to the living room afterward, watching a movie that was background noise more than anything else.

Tommy’s had plenty of occasions to ask. Yet he waited until Brian was nearly asleep, like he was hoping to delay that conversation a little longer.

***

Brian doesn’t call him out on it, though. He knows the whole thing still makes Tommy uncomfortable, that really paying attention to himself and his reactions means Tommy had to face some things that he might not have figured out on his own.

It’s always hard to have somebody else pointing out what it is, exactly, that you’ve been doing, especially when it’s such a vulnerable side of yourself as submitting can be. Brian’s aware of that, so he hasn’t asked; he’s waited until Tommy found it in himself to start the conversation.

Even this probably wasn’t easy for him.

***

That’s most likely the only reason why Tommy waited so long: talking about it still makes him uncomfortable enough that he’s trying to ground himself however he can. Since he’s such a night bird, that means starting this kind of conversation when everybody else is going to bed.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Brian says. “Talk about what?”

He feels Tommy gently push him away and has to restrain himself not to hold Tommy right where he is. He lets him go and sees Tommy cast his gaze all over the floor, the walls, anything to avoid looking Brian in the eyes.

***

This avoidance lasts long enough that Brian reaches for Tommy and brings his hand to Tommy’s cheek in a gentle caress that finally quiets Tommy. “Talk about what?” Brian repeats, keeping his voice soft.

“Maybe you weren’t wrong, about me and Adam.” Tommy bites his lip, a nervous gesture that has Brian wanting to make him stop before he hurts himself. “About me.”

“And?” Brian asks when it becomes clear that Tommy won’t keep going on his own. “What do you think?”

“I think… He…” Tommy lets out a frustrated sigh. “I have no fucking idea how to say this.”

***

Brian lets his hand drift to Tommy’s neck. “Take your time, baby. We’re not in a hurry.”

Tommy takes a deep breath, then another. “The habits I still have with him… they need to disappear, right? I mean, it won’t work otherwise? You and me?”

Suddenly, the tiny space between them is a lot more than Brian can take. “Come here.”

Tommy does it so easily that it’s clear he wanted nothing more than this.

Waiting until he has Tommy safely in his arms, on his lap, Brian says, “No, it won’t. No matter how much we both want it.”

***

“Why?”

“I told you already.”

Tommy shrugs. “While trying to avoid the question.”

Brian holds Tommy’s gaze long enough to be convinced that Tommy wants an honest answer. “If we don’t go there and I have to keep watching the two of you? It’ll eat me up because it’ll be a constant reminder that the possibility exists, and I have no idea how I’ll react to that.”

“It’s such a huge part of our friendship by now. The idea of going without any of it is fucking scary.”

Brian shakes his head. “But I’m not expecting you to go without.”

***

“What are you expecting, then?” Tommy raises his chin, like everything in him is ready to rebel.

So Brian changes the verb on purpose. “I’m hoping that you can trust me enough to let me do it for you.”

That leaves Tommy speechless.

When he stays silent, Brian puts his hand on the back of Tommy’s head, high in his hair, and drops his voice lower as he says, “If we do this? I want all of you. Not just the crumbs that are all I can hope for because, deep down, you’re still his.”

Tommy shivers in Brian’s arms.

***

Tommy closes his eyes, and Brian can feel Tommy stiffen. Before he can start worrying, though, he hears Tommy’s breathy whisper, a soft, barely audible, “Oh, fuck.”

When Tommy finally raises his head to look at Brian again, his eyes are dark with desire.

Oh. Brian files that information away for later. He won’t do anything about it for now, though. If he did, it would be far too tempting to give in to the possessive urge and leave his marks all over Tommy’s body. Brian has a feeling that, at this point, it would only mess with Tommy’s head.

***

Besides, before he allows himself to take and mark Tommy like that, he has to know that it won’t be just a one-time thing that might never happen again. He needs it to be something real and tangible, the kind of connection they’ll both feel all the time and that leaves its mark everywhere, even when they’re not together.

No way is he forgetting this moment, however, and Tommy’s reaction.

Tommy finally breaks the silence. “This thing between Adam and me, it’s just, always been there. Like, it’s Adam, you know? He’s a certainty, no matter how bad things get.”

***

“I think I get it. He was there when you needed someone the most.”

Tommy nods. “He saw me at my lowest point, and that didn’t chase him away. I don’t think anything could. No matter what, he’ll still be there. And I…” He trails off, like he can’t bring himself to say it.

Brian traces soft circles on the back of Tommy’s neck until he feels Tommy loosen up a little. “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

“This whole… thing, between us, I’ve never seen it for what it was. Now I think maybe I understand why and how it happened.”

***

Brian raises an eyebrow, surprised. “You’ve thought about this a lot.”

“Well, I kind of had to.” Tommy bites his lip again. The whole conversation must make him even more nervous than Brian thought. “To figure out what I wanted.”

Tommy’s words give Brian a crazy kind of hope, but he’s aware that rushing through this conversation wouldn’t be good for either of them. So he stays silent and he waits.

When Tommy is finally comfortable enough to explain what he thinks, his voice is barely above a whisper. But at least he’s not trying to look away from Brian.

***

“Like, two years ago? I was lost. I knew I had to keep going, but I had no idea how.” Tommy takes a deep breath.

Without speaking, Brian brushes his fingers through Tommy’s hair, giving him what little comfort he can.

“Adam was just there, you know? Solid and grounding and always there. It’s like I desperately needed someone to hold me up when it felt like I couldn’t do it myself, like,” Tommy takes another breath, as if he’s trying to gather all his courage, “I needed someone I could submit to. Adam understood that even though I didn’t.”

***

Brian nods, waiting to see where Tommy is going with this.

“Thing is, he saw me at my worst and he proved that he wasn’t going anywhere. Since we’re just friends, I know he won’t disappear when I need him the most.” Tommy clears his throat. “I have no fucking idea if I can trust anybody else like I trust him. I don’t know if I can give anybody else that much of myself.”

It sounds like a rejection, but Brian forces himself to wait until Tommy’s done before he says anything.

Tommy is still looking Brian in the eyes.

***

Without even trying to look away, Tommy brings his hands up and links his fingers around Brian’s neck. “But I’ll never know if I can unless I try.” He finally drops his gaze, seeming almost shy. “And I want to try. With you.”

Brian’s breath catches in his throat. This is everything he was hoping to hear, but first, he needs to ask. “You’re not doing this for me, are you? Just because you know it’s what I want?”

Tommy shakes his head. “I’m doing this for me, because I need to figure things out. Because it’s what I want.”

***

“Come here.” Finally giving in to the desire he’s been holding back, Brian brings Tommy closer with a light pressure at the back of his head and kisses him.

Brian keeps it soft, a barely there touch, until he feels Tommy sigh into his mouth. Then he takes control of the kiss, pushing and pushing until he has Tommy right where he wants him, almost lax in his arms.

When they separate, Tommy’s breathing hard. “What now?”

“Now,” Brian brushes another soft kiss against Tommy’s temple, “We try and get some sleep. And tomorrow, we can start talking for real.”
 
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