25 May 2013 @ 10:52 pm
Prompt #085: Behind the Scenes  
Title: Introspection
Pairing/Characters: Adam, Tommy
Rating (Word Count): PG-13 (10 X 100)
Content(s)/Warning(s): References to canon character death and D/s
Author's notes: Many thanks to [personal profile] leela_cat  for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.

This continues from last week drabble-set, Winds of Change.


Paying real attention to the way he acts around Adam is one of the weirdest things Tommy’s ever done.

He’s not blind. He knows that his and Adam’s friendship acquired some pretty fucked up boundaries around the time his father died.

But he never questioned it, in part because he knew that Adam was, sometimes, the only person capable of keeping him on his feet.

Sometimes, it felt like Tommy was right on the edge of a big, black hole, and Adam was the only thing stopping him from falling in.

He’s never really had a reason to wonder why.

***

Tommy knows how it feels, but he’s never tried to put it into words. It was nothing, really. Nothing but he and Adam being who they are.

Besides, he honestly thought they’d left it behind after GNT. It was a moment in time, a moment when he’d felt so very fucked up and vulnerable, and Adam was the only one who seemed to get him, to understand.

Then… he got better. That strange thing between them melted away, until the only thing left behind was a friendship nothing can destroy, that always makes Tommy feel like he can face anything.

***

Their friendship is something he doesn’t want to lose, if only because it was the one thing that kept his head above the water during one of the worst moments of his life. It was easier not to look at anything too closely and go with the flow.

Now, though, he has to take a step back and examine his actions. It feels so weird, as if he is both playing on stage and overseeing everything going on behind the scenes at the same time.

Tommy would like nothing better than to say Brian is wrong and leave it there.

***

But he can’t do that. In part because, when he said that he would try, he meant it.

And he’s also aware that if he said that, it would be a lie. It’s true that he’s never tried to put it into words, and maybe the way Brian described it doesn’t quite fit with the way Tommy himself sees it. But he knows there’s something.

And saying that it’s nothing would feel like lying to himself.

So he does what he promised, even though it makes him uneasy, even though he’s aware he might not like what he figures out.

***

And he pays attention.

At first he sees nothing but, well, he and Adam and the way they’ve always been around each other.

It takes an early rehearsal at ass o’clock in the morning for him to realize the truth. When he comes in with his usual coffee, Adam narrows his eyes at him and asks, “This is coffee number…?”

Tommy doesn’t even think of lying. “Three.”

Adam just sighs and shakes his head. Minutes later, he’s back with a bottle of orange juice that he hands to Tommy. “Here, take this. It’ll be a lot better for your health.”

***

Tommy rolls his eyes at Adam, but he still takes the bottle.

He thinks nothing of it until Ashley says, “If you’re not gonna drink that coffee, I’d be happy to take it off your hands instead of letting it get cold.”

Tommy blinks at her. When he looks down, he realizes that his coffee cup is still full and that he’s already downed half the juice Adam handed him without even thinking about it.

It’s so close to some of the things he and Brian talked about that it’s like someone dumped him in a pool of cold water.

***

After that revelation, it’s impossible for Tommy not to see what’s happening. Nothing’s really changed. It’s just him seeing things in a different light.

He slowly realizes that many of the patterns he’d thought they’d left behind two years ago are still lurking in the corners. They’ve been interacting this way for so long that Tommy never stopped to think about it.

Now that he does, he can’t help but notice how many of the things Brian said must have been taken straight from the way he’s seen Tommy behave around Adam.

It makes the whole thing a little scary.

***

Tommy still isn’t sure he’ll be comfortable with an all the time thing. However, he’s also very aware that if he wants this thing that’s slowly growing between him and Brian to go somewhere – and he wants that so badly – many of the patterns he still has with Adam need to disappear.

It shouldn’t scare him. It shouldn’t feel like he’s about to lose an important part of himself, but it does. This thing with Adam is what got him through his grief when his father died.

Tommy has no idea if he can keep going without any of it.

***

He won’t have to. He understands that much from what Brian said.

But with Adam, it’s always easy, because they’re friends, first and foremost. Because there’s no chance that it will evolve into something more than friendship. Because Adam’s already seen Tommy go through hell and back, and he is still there.

Tommy has no idea if he can give anybody else that much trust, that much of himself.

His turmoil must show on his face. During their next break, Adam walks up to him and asks, “You okay, Tommy?”

It’s so tempting to explain things and talk them through.

***

But Tommy’s aware that it isn’t Adam he needs to discuss this with, no matter how tempting it is, how much easier he thinks it would be.

Because if he wants things to work with Brian, that’s where he needs to start. With honesty.

For now, he smiles at Adam and shrugs. “I will be.” And he believes that.

He’s a little surprised when Adam doesn’t insist, but he doesn’t mind. Adam probably realizes that no matter what’s going on in Tommy’s head, it isn’t something he can help with.

And here Tommy thought that understanding things would simplify them.
 
 
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thraceadams: Adam Tommy and Raja Dirty Little Secret[personal profile] thraceadams on May 26th, 2013 07:14 am (UTC)
OH loved this, I love when Tommy thinks and slowly figures things out on his own. Now I'm anxious to see the talk with Brian.
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arianne_maya[personal profile] arianne_maya on May 26th, 2013 02:07 pm (UTC)
Yes, there's some serious talking coming up next. Thank you!
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