Title: Outside In
Author: Leela (leela_cat)
Pairing/Characters: Adam/Sauli/Tommy
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5x100
Content/Warning(s): References to past drug use and past cutting
Author's notes: Written for glam_100, prompt #039: Scars make us who we are. Many thanks to batdina and aislinntlc for the preread.



They're sitting on the floor. Tommy's wearing socks; Adam and Sauli are barefoot. The TV flickers in the background, image paused on a woman with her mouth open, caught in mid-scream. They'd stopped so that Adam could answer the phone.

As soon as Adam disconnects the call, Sauli shifts until his back is to the TV, to the memories of a time when he watched too many late night movies.

He strokes a hand down Adam's arm, trailing his fingers along the path created by the freckles. Then he traces the ink on Tommy's arm. So different from Sauli's own.

.o0o.

Sauli looks down at his own arms. Bright ink on one, a few freckles dusting the other, and no sign of the tiny scars he expects to see. He clenches his fists, digging his nails into his palms as the urge to scratch at them rises inside him.

How could something like that heal, he wonders, leaving no scars to remind him not to repeat the same mistakes. How can he still see them?

"I need more ink."

It's not until Adam asks, "Sauli? Baby?" and Tommy says, "Me too," that Sauli realizes he said those four words out loud.

.o0o.

Fear swamps Sauli in a rush. His heart speeds up, and for a moment, he can smell the harsh sweetness of brown powder dissolving into bubbling water, of his life cooking away.

He lowers his head and squeezes his eyes shut. The instinct to run, to hug his arms around himself, is broken by the gentleness of Adam's touch on the nape of Sauli's neck. By the way Tommy wraps his hand around one of Sauli's and holds on as if he understands.

"Nothing's that bad," Adam says.

Sauli laughs, a wet hiccup of a sound. "You have no idea."

.o0o.

"I see lines," Tommy says. "Red with blood like the spatters of ink on my arm."

"What?" Sauli blinks his eyes open and tilts his head, not quite understanding.

Tommy shrugs diffidently and ducks behind his bangs. "Tried cutting once or twice, but it didn't really help with the pain."

"What do you see?" Adam's voice is quiet, barely above a whisper. He caresses Sauli's arm.

Sauli clears his throat, pausing as he tries to find words in English for the pictures in his head. "Many tiny marks," he finally says, "like the pricks of a pin. Inside my arms."

.o0o.

"They healed," Sauli adds, when he finds himself caught between Adam and Tommy. "I didn't think they would go away like that. As if nothing happened."

Adam brushes his lips over Sauli's temple. "None of it goes away," he says. "The scars just move inside."

"That's like totally hokey." Tommy makes a face. "We're going to have to cut you off Lifetime. Cold turkey, dude."

Tommy curls into Sauli. Adam leans against the couch, holding both of them. And Adam and Tommy start bickering, trading increasingly ridiculous insults.

The past falls away, and this time Sauli's laugh is almost normal.

.