Title: The Weight of Memories
Pairing/Characters: Brian/Tommy
Rating (Word Count): PG-13 (10 X 100)
Contents/Warning(s): References to canon character death (Tommy's father)
Author's notes: Many thanks to @aislinntlc for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.

This continues from last week drabble-set, A Lack of Conviction.


They get to Brian’s place, but the promised conversation never happens. Tommy doesn’t have the words yet and Brian doesn’t insist. Instead, they share dinner and watch old movies and somehow, fall asleep on the couch, Tommy lying in the vee of Brian’s legs, his head on Brian’s chest.

When Tommy wakes up, the sun is coming up. He’s surprised, since he’s rarely up before midday, then he realizes that his body is still stuck on Eastern Europe time.

Jetlag sucks.

“Did I wake you up?” Brian asks.

Tommy shakes his head, surprised that Brian’s already awake, too. “Not really.”

***

“You wanna go back to sleep?”

Tommy laughs a little at the idea. If only. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“Okay.” Brian tightens his grip on Tommy’s waist, pulling him closer.

Tommy all but melts in Brian’s embrace. He’s feeling warm and safe, yet all it does is make him want to squirm and slip out of Brian’s arms. “What are we doing?” He asks, so softly that he’s not even sure he said it aloud.

“Watching the sunrise.” Tommy can hear the smile in Brian’s voice. “At least, that’s what I thought.”

“You know what I mean, Bri.”

***

A gentle hand on his face makes him turn his head and look at Brian. “What do you think we’re doing?”

They’re being couple-y, but Tommy isn’t ready to admit it. If he does, everything will seem too real.

When he doesn’t answer and look at the ground, Brian asks, softer, “What is it that scares you so much?”

Tommy swallows hard, trying his best to fight the pain and fear eating him inside. “What do you wanna hear?

“What you’re willing to tell me, Tommy Joe. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Except Tommy has no idea where he should start.

***

Especially since there’s this feeling again, that always grabs him whenever Brian uses his full name. Something he can’t quite grasp yet and that fascinates him as much as it scares him.

Instead of trying to understand what it all means, Tommy closes his eyes and lets the words come the way they will.

“When it started, we were… friends with some pretty awesome benefits. I never expected it to go any farther.” Tommy smiles half-heartedly at the memory. “She was awesome, but we were so fucking different. We were just having a good time, yanno? But then…” He sighs.

***

“What happened?” Brian asks when it becomes clear that without encouragement, Tommy won’t say anything.

“My dad…” Tommy takes a deep breath, another one. No fucking way is he gonna cry. “My dad’s death happened.”

He tenses all over. The next words stick in his throat to the point of making him choke.

Brian doesn’t say a thing. Instead, he moves his hand over Tommy’s body. Gentle scratching through Tommy’s hair, a soft stroke down his arm, a light kiss on his neck. Until Tommy finds his words again.

“I was,” He sneers in disgust at the memory, “Fucking needy.”

***

Truth is, he replaced one obsession with another. Instead of worrying constantly about his mother and his sister and the bills that would need to be paid, Liz became his whole world.

“While on tour, we were doing well.” Because when they were touring, there was Adam, who always seemed to understand what Tommy needed, even when Tommy himself didn’t.

Adam, who was always there, always knew if Tommy needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to kick his ass or something else entirely. It might be in part why he and Liz didn’t last after they came back home.

***

But it’s so much easier to let himself believe that it was just him expecting seriousness out of something that was nothing but a bit of tour fun. “When we came back home, it crashed and burned.”

Part of it was the situation, Tommy knows it. There were so many things that they couldn’t control, so many things that kept on pulling them apart. Yet Tommy can’t help but think it will happen again. That even if he’s more grounded than he was two years ago, he’ll get to the point where he needs something he has no words for.

***

And that no one can give him. “I was expecting too much, but I didn’t realize it. In the end, she said she didn’t think she could make me happy. I still have no fucking idea what she meant.” Or if he does, it’s really not something he wants to examine too closely.

There are many things Tommy could say, many details he should be giving, but he isn’t ready. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

He’s expecting the silence to grow until they’re both uncomfortable. Instead, Brian says, “Look at me, will you?”

He’s not asking. He’s telling.

***

It should make Tommy uneasy, but like a lot of other things that Brian says or does, it doesn’t.

Tommy opens his eyes and stares at Brian over his shoulder.

“The situation is completely different. You’re not the same person, either.” Brian waits until Tommy nods before he continues, “And we both want this to work. Am I wrong about that?”

Tommy shakes his head then realizes Brian is waiting for a real answer. “No. Well, yes. I mean, you’re right.”

Brian’s smile warms Tommy all over. Even though he still feels like he’s hoping for something that can’t happen.

***

“And I still think we can make it work. Even if you don’t believe it yet, I do.”

Brian brings his hand to Tommy’s face in a gentle caress. He waits until he has Tommy’s full attention. Then he says, “I’m not sure yet everything you need. But we can figure it out together.” He rests his palm against Tommy’s cheek, thumb wiping at the tears Tommy can’t hold back. “And if you let me? I think I can give it to you.”

Since it’s clear that Brian believes every word he’s saying, Tommy can’t help but believe him too.